Sanarate, El Progreso, Guatemala.

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Shakespeare

William Shakespeare.

Comedies
The Merry Wives of Windsor

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Scene
Act I
Act II
Act III
Act IV
Act V

Dramatis Personae

SIR JOHN FALSTAFF	(FALSTAFF:)
FENTON	a gentleman.
SHALLOW	a country justice.
SLENDER	cousin to Shallow.
FORD PAGE	\| \| two gentlemen dwelling at Windsor. \|
WILLIAM PAGE	a boy, son to Page.
SIR HUGH EVANS	a Welsh parson.
DOCTOR CAIUS	a French physician.
	Host of the Garter Inn. (Host:)
BARDOLPH PISTOL NYM	\| \| \| sharpers attending on Falstaff. \| \|
ROBIN	page to Falstaff.
SIMPLE	servant to Slender.
RUGBY	servant to Doctor Caius.
MISTRESS FORD:
MISTRESS PAGE:
ANNE PAGE	her daughter.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	servant to Doctor Caius.
	Servants to Page, Ford, &c. (Servant:) (First Servant:) (Second Servant:)

Scene

Windsor, and the neighbourhood.

Act I

Scene I Windsor. Before PAGE's house.

	[Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
SHALLOW	Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star- chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
SLENDER	In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace and 'Coram.'
SHALLOW	Ay, cousin Slender, and 'Custalourum.
SLENDER	Ay, and 'Rato-lorum' too; and a gentleman born, master parson; who writes himself 'Armigero,' in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, 'Armigero.'
SHALLOW	Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three hundred years.
SLENDER	All his successors gone before him hath done't; and all his ancestors that come after him may: they may give the dozen white luces in their coat.
SHALLOW	It is an old coat.
SIR HUGH EVANS	The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
SHALLOW	The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
SLENDER	I may quarter, coz.
SHALLOW	You may, by marrying.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
SHALLOW	Not a whit.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Yes, py'r lady; if he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures: but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compremises between you.
SHALLOW	The council shall bear it; it is a riot.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is not meet the council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot: the council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that.
SHALLOW	Ha! o' my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it: and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it: there is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity.
SLENDER	Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's-bed--Got deliver to a joyful resurrections! --give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old: it were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER	Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
SIR HUGH EVANS	Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
SLENDER	I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.
SHALLOW	Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
SIR HUGH EVANS	Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight, Sir John, is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page.
	[Knocks]
	What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
PAGE	[Within] Who's there?
	[Enter PAGE]
SIR HUGH EVANS	Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
PAGE	I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW	Master Page, I am glad to see you: much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?--and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
PAGE	Sir, I thank you.
SHALLOW	Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
PAGE	I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
SLENDER	How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE	It could not be judged, sir.
SLENDER	You'll not confess, you'll not confess.
SHALLOW	That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your fault; 'tis a good dog.
PAGE	A cur, sir.
SHALLOW	Sir, he's a good dog, and a fair dog: can there be more said? he is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
PAGE	Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
SHALLOW	He hath wronged me, Master Page.
PAGE	Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
SHALLOW	If it be confessed, it is not redress'd: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath, at a word, he hath, believe me: Robert Shallow, esquire, saith, he is wronged.
PAGE	Here comes Sir John.
	[Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL]
FALSTAFF	Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king?
SHALLOW	Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.
FALSTAFF	But not kissed your keeper's daughter?
SHALLOW	Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.
FALSTAFF	I will answer it straight; I have done all this. That is now answered.
SHALLOW	The council shall know this.
FALSTAFF	'Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you'll be laughed at.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
FALSTAFF	Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me?
SLENDER	Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
BARDOLPH	You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER	Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL	How now, Mephostophilus!
SLENDER	Ay, it is no matter.
NYM	Slice, I say! pauca, pauca: slice! that's my humour.
SLENDER	Where's Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
SIR HUGH EVANS	Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand; that is, Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
PAGE	We three, to hear it and end it between them.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note- book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF	Pistol!
PISTOL	He hears with ears.
SIR HUGH EVANS	The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, 'He hears with ear'? why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF	Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse?
SLENDER	Ay, by these gloves, did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else, of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards, that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
FALSTAFF	Is this true, Pistol?
SIR HUGH EVANS	No; it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
PISTOL	Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! Sir John and Master mine, I combat challenge of this latten bilbo. Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of denial: froth and scum, thou liest!
SLENDER	By these gloves, then, 'twas he.
NYM	Be avised, sir, and pass good humours: I will say 'marry trap' with you, if you run the nuthook's humour on me; that is the very note of it.
SLENDER	By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
FALSTAFF	What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH	Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is his five senses: fie, what the ignorance is!
BARDOLPH	And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered; and so conclusions passed the careires.
SLENDER	Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but 'tis no matter: I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick: if I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
SIR HUGH EVANS	So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF	You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
	[Enter ANNE PAGE, with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following]
PAGE	Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we'll drink within.
	[Exit ANNE PAGE]
SLENDER	O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
PAGE	How now, Mistress Ford!
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met: by your leave, good mistress.
	[Kisses her]
PAGE	Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
	[Exeunt all except SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
SLENDER	I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.
	[Enter SIMPLE]
	How now, Simple! where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?
SIMPLE	Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon All-hallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?
SHALLOW	Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?
SLENDER	Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW	Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER	So I do, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
SLENDER	Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says: I pray you, pardon me; he's a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
SIR HUGH EVANS	But that is not the question: the question is concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW	Ay, there's the point, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Marry, is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER	Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.
SIR HUGH EVANS	But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?
SHALLOW	Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
SLENDER	I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Nay, Got's lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
SHALLOW	That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
SLENDER	I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
SHALLOW	Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz: what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
SLENDER	I will marry her, sir, at your request: but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope, upon familiarity will grow more contempt: but if you say, 'Marry her,' I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is a fery discretion answer; save the fall is in the ort 'dissolutely:' the ort is, according to our meaning, 'resolutely:' his meaning is good.
SHALLOW	Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
SLENDER	Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
SHALLOW	Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
	[Re-enter ANNE PAGE]
	Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
ANNE PAGE	The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships' company.
SHALLOW	I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Od's plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
	[Exeunt SHALLOW and SIR HUGH EVANS]
ANNE PAGE	Will't please your worship to come in, sir?
SLENDER	No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
ANNE PAGE	The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER	I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.
	[Exit SIMPLE]
	A justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead: but what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE PAGE	I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
SLENDER	I' faith, I'll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
ANNE PAGE	I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER	I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th' other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes; and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? be there bears i' the town?
ANNE PAGE	I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
SLENDER	I love the sport well but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE PAGE	Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER	That's meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it, that it passed: but women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored rough things.
	[Re-enter PAGE]
PAGE	Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
SLENDER	I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE	By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
SLENDER	Nay, pray you, lead the way.
PAGE	Come on, sir.
SLENDER	Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE PAGE	Not I, sir; pray you, keep on.
SLENDER	I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!
	[Exeunt]

Scene II The same.

	[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE]
SIR HUGH EVANS	Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' house which is the way: and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
SIMPLE	Well, sir.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a 'oman that altogether's acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page: and the letter is, to desire and require her to solicit your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you, be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there's pippins and cheese to come.
	[Exeunt]

Scene III A room in the Garter Inn.

	[Enter FALSTAFF, Host, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN]
FALSTAFF	Mine host of the Garter!
Host	What says my bully-rook? speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF	Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
Host	Discard, bully Hercules; cashier: let them wag; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF	I sit at ten pounds a week.
Host	Thou'rt an emperor, Caesar, Keisar, and Pheezar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap: said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF	Do so, good mine host.
Host	I have spoke; let him follow.
	[To BARDOLPH]
	Let me see thee froth and lime: I am at a word; follow.
	[Exit]
FALSTAFF	Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade: an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
BARDOLPH	It is a life that I have desired: I will thrive.
PISTOL	O base Hungarian wight! wilt thou the spigot wield?
	[Exit BARDOLPH]
NYM	He was gotten in drink: is not the humour conceited?
FALSTAFF	I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer; he kept not time.
NYM	The good humour is to steal at a minute's rest.
PISTOL	'Convey,' the wise it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico for the phrase!
FALSTAFF	Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL	Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF	There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
PISTOL	Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF	Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL	I ken the wight: he is of substance good.
FALSTAFF	My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL	Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF	No quips now, Pistol! Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife: I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation: I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished rightly, is, 'I am Sir John Falstaff's.'
PISTOL	He hath studied her will, and translated her will, out of honesty into English.
NYM	The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
FALSTAFF	Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband's purse: he hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL	As many devils entertain; and 'To her, boy,' say I.
NYM	The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
FALSTAFF	I have writ me here a letter to her: and here another to Page's wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL	Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM	I thank thee for that humour.
FALSTAFF	O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here's another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL	Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
NYM	I will run no base humour: here, take the humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
FALSTAFF	[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores. Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go; Trudge, plod away o' the hoof; seek shelter, pack! Falstaff will learn the humour of the age, French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
	[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN]
PISTOL	Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and poor: Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM	I have operations which be humours of revenge.
PISTOL	Wilt thou revenge?
NYM	By welkin and her star!
PISTOL	With wit or steel?
NYM	With both the humours, I: I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
PISTOL	And I to Ford shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile, His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.
NYM	My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
PISTOL	Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
	[Exeunt]

Scene IV A room in DOCTOR CAIUS' house.

	[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. If he do, i' faith, and find any body in the house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience and the king's English.
RUGBY	I'll go watch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Go; and we'll have a posset for't soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
	[Exit RUGBY]
	An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is, that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
SIMPLE	Ay, for fault of a better.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	And Master Slender's your master?
SIMPLE	Ay, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover's paring-knife?
SIMPLE	No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
SIMPLE	Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
SIMPLE	Yes, indeed, does he.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish--
	[Re-enter RUGBY]
RUGBY	Out, alas! here comes my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet: he will not stay long.
	[Shuts SIMPLE in the closet]
	What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not well, that he comes not home.
	[Singing]
	And down, down, adown-a, &c.
	[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS]
DOCTOR CAIUS	Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box, a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay, forsooth; I'll fetch it you.
	[Aside]
	I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Is it this, sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS	Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	What, John Rugby! John!
RUGBY	Here, sir!
DOCTOR CAIUS	You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
RUGBY	'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's me! Qu'ai-j'oublie! dere is some simples in my closet, dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay me, he'll find the young man here, and be mad!
DOCTOR CAIUS	O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
	[Pulling SIMPLE out]
	Rugby, my rapier!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Good master, be content.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Wherefore shall I be content-a?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	The young man is an honest man.
DOCTOR CAIUS	What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Vell.
SIMPLE	Ay, forsooth; to desire her to--
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Peace, I pray you.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
SIMPLE	To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master in the way of marriage.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	This is all, indeed, la! but I'll ne'er put my finger in the fire, and need not.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper. Tarry you a little-a while.
	[Writes]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	[Aside to SIMPLE] I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I'll do you your master what good I can: and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master,--I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do all myself,--
SIMPLE	[Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY] 'Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	[Aside to SIMPLE] Are you avised o' that? you shall find it a great charge: and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding,--to tell you in your ear; I would have no words of it,--my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind,--that's neither here nor there.
DOCTOR CAIUS	You jack'nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog:
	[Exit SIMPLE]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
DOCTOR CAIUS	It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I will myself have Anne Page.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
DOCTOR CAIUS	Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
	[Exeunt DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	You shall have An fool's-head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne's mind than I do; nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
FENTON	[Within] Who's within there? ho!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you.
	[Enter FENTON]
FENTON	How now, good woman? how dost thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	The better that it pleases your good worship to ask.
FENTON	What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
FENTON	Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? shall I not lose my suit?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Troth, sir, all is in his hands above: but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn on a book, she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?
FENTON	Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Well, thereby hangs a tale: good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread: we had an hour's talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that maid's company! But indeed she is given too much to allicholy and musing: but for you--well, go to.
FENTON	Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Will I? i'faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.
FENTON	Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Farewell to your worship.
	[Exit FENTON]
	Truly, an honest gentleman: but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne's mind as well as another does. Out upon't! what have I forgot?
	[Exit]

Act II

Scene I Before PAGE'S house.

	[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter]
MISTRESS PAGE	What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday- time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.
	[Reads]
	'Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice,-- that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis not a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me, Thine own true knight, By day or night, Or any kind of light, With all his might For thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF' What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard picked--with the devil's name!--out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
	[Enter MISTRESS FORD]
MISTRESS FORD	Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
MISTRESS PAGE	And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
MISTRESS FORD	Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
MISTRESS PAGE	Faith, but you do, in my mind.
MISTRESS FORD	Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!
MISTRESS PAGE	What's the matter, woman?
MISTRESS FORD	O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
MISTRESS PAGE	Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What is it? dispense with trifles; what is it?
MISTRESS FORD	If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.
MISTRESS PAGE	What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
MISTRESS FORD	We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have an eye to make difference of men's liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women's modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
MISTRESS PAGE	Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names--sure, more,--and these are of the second edition: he will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess, and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
MISTRESS FORD	Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
MISTRESS PAGE	Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
MISTRESS FORD	'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep him above deck.
MISTRESS PAGE	So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort in his suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
MISTRESS FORD	Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him, that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy.
MISTRESS PAGE	Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he's as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.
MISTRESS FORD	You are the happier woman.
MISTRESS PAGE	Let's consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
	[They retire]
	[Enter FORD with PISTOL, and PAGE with NYM]
FORD	Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL	Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD	Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL	He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor, Both young and old, one with another, Ford; He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.
FORD	Love my wife!
PISTOL	With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou, Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels: O, odious is the name!
FORD	What name, sir?
PISTOL	The horn, I say. Farewell. Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night: Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing. Away, Sir Corporal Nym! Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
	[Exit]
FORD	[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.
NYM	[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there's the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tis true: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese, and there's the humour of it. Adieu.
	[Exit]
PAGE	'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellow frights English out of his wits.
FORD	I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE	I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
FORD	If I do find it: well.
PAGE	I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o' the town commended him for a true man.
FORD	'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
PAGE	How now, Meg!
	[MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward]
MISTRESS PAGE	Whither go you, George? Hark you.
MISTRESS FORD	How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
FORD	I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
MISTRESS FORD	Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now, will you go, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE	Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.
	[Aside to MISTRESS FORD]
	Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
MISTRESS FORD	[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her: she'll fit it.
	[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS PAGE	You are come to see my daughter Anne?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
MISTRESS PAGE	Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk with you.
	[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY]
PAGE	How now, Master Ford!
FORD	You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
PAGE	Yes: and you heard what the other told me?
FORD	Do you think there is truth in them?
PAGE	Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it: but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
FORD	Were they his men?
PAGE	Marry, were they.
FORD	I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
PAGE	Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
FORD	I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.
PAGE	Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.
	[Enter Host]
	How now, mine host!
Host	How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman. Cavaleiro-justice, I say!
	[Enter SHALLOW]
SHALLOW	I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? we have sport in hand.
Host	Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
SHALLOW	Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
FORD	Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.
	[Drawing him aside]
Host	What sayest thou, my bully-rook?
SHALLOW	[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
	[They converse apart]
Host	Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaleire?
FORD	None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is Brook; only for a jest.
Host	My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; --said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?
SHALLOW	Have with you, mine host.
PAGE	I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.
SHALLOW	Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
Host	Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?
PAGE	Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.
	[Exeunt Host, SHALLOW, and PAGE]
FORD	Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's house; and what they made there, I know not. Well, I will look further into't: and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.
	[Exit]

Scene II A room in the Garter Inn.

	[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL]
FALSTAFF	I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL	Why, then the world's mine oyster. Which I with sword will open.
FALSTAFF	Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL	Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF	Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOL	I do relent: what would thou more of man?
	[Enter ROBIN]
ROBIN	Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF	Let her approach.
	[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF	Good morrow, good wife.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Not so, an't please your worship.
FALSTAFF	Good maid, then.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	I'll be sworn, As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF	I do believe the swearer. What with me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF	Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	There is one Mistress Ford, sir:--I pray, come a little nearer this ways:--I myself dwell with master Doctor Caius,--
FALSTAFF	Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Your worship says very true: I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF	I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine own people.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!
FALSTAFF	Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray!
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFF	But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF	Ten and eleven?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
FALSTAFF	Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too: and let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.
FALSTAFF	Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my good parts aside I have no other charms.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Blessing on your heart for't!
FALSTAFF	But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	That were a jest indeed! they have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and truly Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFF	Why, I will.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and the boy never need to understand any thing; for 'tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF	Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman.
	[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN]
	This news distracts me!
PISTOL	This punk is one of Cupid's carriers: Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights: Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
	[Exit]
FALSTAFF	Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
	[Enter BARDOLPH]
BARDOLPH	Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath sent your worship a morning's draught of sack.
FALSTAFF	Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH	Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF	Call him in.
	[Exit BARDOLPH]
	Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page have I encompassed you? go to; via!
	[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised]
FORD	Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF	And you, sir! Would you speak with me?
FORD	I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
FALSTAFF	You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.
	[Exit BARDOLPH]
FORD	Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook.
FALSTAFF	Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORD	Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF	Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD	Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me: if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF	Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD	I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
FALSTAFF	Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be your servant.
FORD	Sir, I hear you are a scholar,--I will be brief with you,--and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own; that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF	Very well, sir; proceed.
FORD	There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's name is Ford.
FALSTAFF	Well, sir.
FORD	I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
	'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'
FALSTAFF	Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD	Never.
FALSTAFF	Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD	Never.
FALSTAFF	Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD	Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
FALSTAFF	To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD	When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.
FALSTAFF	O, sir!
FORD	Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as any.
FALSTAFF	Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
FORD	O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I could come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves: I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?
FALSTAFF	Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.
FORD	O good sir!
FALSTAFF	I say you shall.
FORD	Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFF	Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.
FORD	I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF	Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not: yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home.
FORD	I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
FALSTAFF	Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
	[Exit]
FORD	What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils' additions, the names of fiends: but Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
	[Exit]

Scene III A field near Windsor.

	[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS and RUGBY]
DOCTOR CAIUS	Jack Rugby!
RUGBY	Sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS	Vat is de clock, Jack?
RUGBY	'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
RUGBY	He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him, if he came.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
RUGBY	Alas, sir, I cannot fence.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Villany, take your rapier.
RUGBY	Forbear; here's company.
	[Enter Host, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE]
Host	Bless thee, bully doctor!
SHALLOW	Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
PAGE	Now, good master doctor!
SLENDER	Give you good morrow, sir.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
Host	To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my AEsculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is he dead, bully stale? is he dead?
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he is not show his face.
Host	Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!
DOCTOR CAIUS	I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
SHALLOW	He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?
PAGE	Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.
SHALLOW	Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
PAGE	'Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW	It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace: you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.
Host	Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Mock-vater! vat is dat?
Host	Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me vill cut his ears.
Host	He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?
Host	That is, he will make thee amends.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
Host	And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Me tank you for dat.
Host	And, moreover, bully,--but first, master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.
	[Aside to them]
PAGE	Sir Hugh is there, is he?
Host	He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
SHALLOW	We will do it.
PAGE SHALLOW SLENDER	\| \| \| Adieu, good master doctor. \| \|
	[Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
Host	Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with me through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
Host	For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page. Said I well?
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, 'tis good; vell said.
Host	Let us wag, then.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
	[Exeunt]

Act III

Scene I A field near Frogmore.

	[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE]
SIR HUGH EVANS	I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
SIMPLE	Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
SIR HUGH EVANS	I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.
SIMPLE	I will, sir.
	[Exit]
SIR HUGH EVANS	'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave's costard when I have good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul!
	[Sings]
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls Melodious birds sings madrigals; There will we make our peds of roses, And a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow--
	Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
	[Sings]
	Melodious birds sing madrigals-- When as I sat in Pabylon-- And a thousand vagram posies. To shallow &c.
	[Re-enter SIMPLE]
SIMPLE	Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
SIR HUGH EVANS	He's welcome.
	[Sings]
	To shallow rivers, to whose falls- Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
SIMPLE	No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.
	[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]
SHALLOW	How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
SLENDER	[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE	'Save you, good Sir Hugh!
SIR HUGH EVANS	'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
SHALLOW	What, the sword and the word! do you study them both, master parson?
PAGE	And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this raw rheumatic day!
SIR HUGH EVANS	There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE	We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Fery well: what is it?
PAGE	Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
SHALLOW	I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so wide of his own respect.
SIR HUGH EVANS	What is he?
PAGE	I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
PAGE	Why?
SIR HUGH EVANS	He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen, --and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
PAGE	I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him.
SHALLOW	[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW	It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder: here comes Doctor Caius.
	[Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY]
PAGE	Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW	So do you, good master doctor.
Host	Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
DOCTOR CAIUS	I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
SIR HUGH EVANS	[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience: in good time.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
SIR HUGH EVANS	[Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
	[Aloud]
	I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscomb for missing your meetings and appointments.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have I not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place I did appoint?
SIR HUGH EVANS	As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of the Garter.
Host	Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
DOCTOR CAIUS	Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
Host	Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.
SHALLOW	Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.
SLENDER	[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!
	[Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host]
DOCTOR CAIUS	Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
SIR HUGH EVANS	This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
	[Exeunt]

Scene II A street.

	[Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN]
MISTRESS PAGE	Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?
ROBIN	I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.
MISTRESS PAGE	O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.
	[Enter FORD]
FORD	Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
MISTRESS PAGE	Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
FORD	Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.
MISTRESS PAGE	Be sure of that,--two other husbands.
FORD	Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
MISTRESS PAGE	I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight's name, sirrah?
ROBIN	Sir John Falstaff.
FORD	Sir John Falstaff!
MISTRESS PAGE	He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed?
FORD	Indeed she is.
MISTRESS PAGE	By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.
	[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN]
FORD	Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.
	[Clock heard]
	The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there: I will go.
	[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY]
SHALLOW PAGE &C	\| \| \| Well met, Master Ford. \| \|
FORD	Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home; and I pray you all go with me.
SHALLOW	I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
SLENDER	And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of.
SHALLOW	We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.
SLENDER	I hope I have your good will, father Page.
PAGE	You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you: but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.
Host	What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't.
PAGE	Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild prince and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
FORD	I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
SHALLOW	Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page's.
	[Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER]
DOCTOR CAIUS	Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
	[Exit RUGBY]
Host	Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
	[Exit]
FORD	[Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
All	Have with you to see this monster.
	[Exeunt]

Scene III A room in FORD'S house.

	[Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE]
MISTRESS FORD	What, John! What, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE	Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket--
MISTRESS FORD	I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
	[Enter Servants with a basket]
MISTRESS PAGE	Come, come, come.
MISTRESS FORD	Here, set it down.
MISTRESS PAGE	Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
MISTRESS FORD	Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
MISTRESS PAGE	You will do it?
MISTRESS FORD	I ha' told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
	[Exeunt Servants]
MISTRESS PAGE	Here comes little Robin.
	[Enter ROBIN]
MISTRESS FORD	How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?
ROBIN	My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
MISTRESS PAGE	You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
ROBIN	Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away.
MISTRESS PAGE	Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I'll go hide me.
MISTRESS FORD	Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
	[Exit ROBIN]
	Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
MISTRESS PAGE	I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
	[Exit]
MISTRESS FORD	Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know turtles from jays.
	[Enter FALSTAFF]
FALSTAFF	Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
MISTRESS FORD	O sweet Sir John!
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the best lord; I would make thee my lady.
MISTRESS FORD	I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady!
FALSTAFF	Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.
MISTRESS FORD	A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.
FALSTAFF	By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
MISTRESS FORD	Believe me, there is no such thing in me.
FALSTAFF	What made me love thee? let that persuade thee there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it.
MISTRESS FORD	Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.
FALSTAFF	Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.
MISTRESS FORD	Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.
FALSTAFF	Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.
MISTRESS FORD	Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind.
ROBIN	[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
FALSTAFF	She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.
MISTRESS FORD	Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.
	[FALSTAFF hides himself]
	[Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN]
	What's the matter? how now!
MISTRESS PAGE	O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!
MISTRESS FORD	What's the matter, good Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE	O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
MISTRESS FORD	What cause of suspicion?
MISTRESS PAGE	What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I mistook in you!
MISTRESS FORD	Why, alas, what's the matter?
MISTRESS PAGE	Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.
MISTRESS FORD	'Tis not so, I hope.
MISTRESS PAGE	Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.
MISTRESS FORD	What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.
MISTRESS PAGE	For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time --send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.
MISTRESS FORD	He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?
FALSTAFF	[Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's counsel. I'll in.
MISTRESS PAGE	What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?
FALSTAFF	I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I'll never--
	[Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen]
MISTRESS PAGE	Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
MISTRESS FORD	What, John! Robert! John!
	[Exit ROBIN]
	[Re-enter Servants]
	Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.
	[Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
FORD	Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?
Servant	To the laundress, forsooth.
MISTRESS FORD	Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
FORD	Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.
	[Exeunt Servants with the basket]
	Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.
	[Locking the door]
	So, now uncape.
PAGE	Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
FORD	True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.
	[Exit]
SIR HUGH EVANS	This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.
PAGE	Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
	[Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
MISTRESS PAGE	Is there not a double excellency in this?
MISTRESS FORD	I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE	What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!
MISTRESS FORD	I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
MISTRESS PAGE	Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.
MISTRESS FORD	I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
MISTRESS PAGE	I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.
MISTRESS FORD	Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?
MISTRESS PAGE	We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow, eight o'clock, to have amends.
	[Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS]
FORD	I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass.
MISTRESS PAGE	[Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that?
MISTRESS FORD	You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
FORD	Ay, I do so.
MISTRESS FORD	Heaven make you better than your thoughts!
FORD	Amen!
MISTRESS PAGE	You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
FORD	Ay, ay; I must bear it.
SIR HUGH EVANS	If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies.
PAGE	Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.
FORD	'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
SIR HUGH EVANS	You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.
DOCTOR CAIUS	By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
FORD	Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me.
PAGE	Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
FORD	Any thing.
SIR HUGH EVANS	If there is one, I shall make two in the company.
DOCTOR CAIUS	If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
FORD	Pray you, go, Master Page.
SIR HUGH EVANS	I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host.
DOCTOR CAIUS	Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart!
SIR HUGH EVANS	A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!
	[Exeunt]

Scene IV A room in PAGE'S house.

	[Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE]
FENTON	I see I cannot get thy father's love; Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.
ANNE PAGE	Alas, how then?
FENTON	Why, thou must be thyself. He doth object I am too great of birth--, And that, my state being gall'd with my expense, I seek to heal it only by his wealth: Besides these, other bars he lays before me, My riots past, my wild societies; And tells me 'tis a thing impossible I should love thee but as a property.
ANNE PAGE	May be he tells you true.
FENTON	No, heaven so speed me in my time to come! Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne: Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags; And 'tis the very riches of thyself That now I aim at.
ANNE PAGE	Gentle Master Fenton, Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir: If opportunity and humblest suit Cannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither!
	[They converse apart]
	[Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY]
SHALLOW	Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall speak for himself.
SLENDER	I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but venturing.
SHALLOW	Be not dismayed.
SLENDER	No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that, but that I am afeard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you.
ANNE PAGE	I come to him.
	[Aside]
	This is my father's choice. O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faults Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you.
SHALLOW	She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father!
SLENDER	I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle.
SHALLOW	Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.
SLENDER	Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire.
SHALLOW	He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.
SLENDER	Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the degree of a squire.
SHALLOW	He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure.
ANNE PAGE	Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.
SHALLOW	Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you.
ANNE PAGE	Now, Master Slender,--
SLENDER	Now, good Mistress Anne,--
ANNE PAGE	What is your will?
SLENDER	My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.
ANNE PAGE	I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?
SLENDER	Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go better than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.
	[Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE]
PAGE	Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne. Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here? You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house: I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of.
FENTON	Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.
MISTRESS PAGE	Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.
PAGE	She is no match for you.
FENTON	Sir, will you hear me?
PAGE	No, good Master Fenton. Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in. Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.
	[Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Speak to Mistress Page.
FENTON	Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter In such a righteous fashion as I do, Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners, I must advance the colours of my love And not retire: let me have your good will.
ANNE PAGE	Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.
MISTRESS PAGE	I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	That's my master, master doctor.
ANNE PAGE	Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth And bowl'd to death with turnips!
MISTRESS PAGE	Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton, I will not be your friend nor enemy: My daughter will I question how she loves you, And as I find her, so am I affected. Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in; Her father will be angry.
FENTON	Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.
	[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you cast away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on Master Fenton:' this is my doing.
FENTON	I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Now heaven send thee good fortune!
	[Exit FENTON]
	A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!
	[Exit]

Scene V A room in the Garter Inn.

	[Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH]
FALSTAFF	Bardolph, I say,--
BARDOLPH	Here, sir.
FALSTAFF	Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
	[Exit BARDOLPH]
	Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
	[Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack]
BARDOLPH	Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
FALSTAFF	Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.
BARDOLPH	Come in, woman!
	[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY	By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF	Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of sack finely.
BARDOLPH	With eggs, sir?
FALSTAFF	Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
	[Exit BARDOLPH] How now!
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.
FALSTAFF	So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
FALSTAFF	Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	I will tell her.
FALSTAFF	Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Eight and nine, sir.
FALSTAFF	Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Peace be with you, sir.
	[Exit]
FALSTAFF	I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.
	[Enter FORD]
FORD	Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF	Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife?
FORD	That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
FALSTAFF	Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her house the hour she appointed me.
FORD	And sped you, sir?
FALSTAFF	Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
FORD	How so, sir? Did she change her determination?
FALSTAFF	No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.
FORD	What, while you were there?
FALSTAFF	While I was there.
FORD	And did he search for you, and could not find you?
FALSTAFF	You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.
FORD	A buck-basket!
FALSTAFF	By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.
FORD	And how long lay you there?
FALSTAFF	Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths; first, an intolerable fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.
FORD	In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate; you'll undertake her no more?
FALSTAFF	Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.
FORD	'Tis past eight already, sir.
FALSTAFF	Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.
	[Exit]
FORD	Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford! there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame: if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me: I'll be horn-mad.
	[Exit]

Act IV

Scene I A street.

	[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS QUICKLY, and WILLIAM PAGE]
MISTRESS PAGE	Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Sure he is by this, or will be presently: but, truly, he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
MISTRESS PAGE	I'll be with her by and by; I'll but bring my young man here to school. Look, where his master comes; 'tis a playing-day, I see.
	[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS]
	How now, Sir Hugh! no school to-day?
SIR HUGH EVANS	No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Blessing of his heart!
MISTRESS PAGE	Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some questions in his accidence.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.
MISTRESS PAGE	Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master, be not afraid.
SIR HUGH EVANS	William, how many numbers is in nouns?
WILLIAM PAGE	Two.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say, ''Od's nouns.'
SIR HUGH EVANS	Peace your tattlings! What is 'fair,' William?
WILLIAM PAGE	Pulcher.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Polecats! there are fairer things than polecats, sure.
SIR HUGH EVANS	You are a very simplicity 'oman: I pray you peace. What is 'lapis,' William?
WILLIAM PAGE	A stone.
SIR HUGH EVANS	And what is 'a stone,' William?
WILLIAM PAGE	A pebble.
SIR HUGH EVANS	No, it is 'lapis:' I pray you, remember in your prain.
WILLIAM PAGE	Lapis.
SIR HUGH EVANS	That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?
WILLIAM PAGE	Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined, Singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, hoc.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Nominativo, hig, hag, hog; pray you, mark: genitivo, hujus. Well, what is your accusative case?
WILLIAM PAGE	Accusativo, hinc.
SIR HUGH EVANS	I pray you, have your remembrance, child, accusative, hung, hang, hog.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	'Hang-hog' is Latin for bacon, I warrant you.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Leave your prabbles, 'oman. What is the focative case, William?
WILLIAM PAGE	O,--vocativo, O.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Remember, William; focative is caret.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	And that's a good root.
SIR HUGH EVANS	'Oman, forbear.
MISTRESS PAGE	Peace!
SIR HUGH EVANS	What is your genitive case plural, William?
WILLIAM PAGE	Genitive case!
SIR HUGH EVANS	Ay.
WILLIAM PAGE	Genitive,--horum, harum, horum.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	Vengeance of Jenny's case! fie on her! never name her, child, if she be a whore.
SIR HUGH EVANS	For shame, 'oman.
MISTRESS QUICKLY	You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves, and to call 'horum:' fie upon you!
SIR HUGH EVANS	'Oman, art thou lunatics? hast thou no understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.
MISTRESS PAGE	Prithee, hold thy peace.
SIR HUGH EVANS	Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.
WILLIAM PAGE	Forsooth, I have forgot.
SIR HUGH EVANS	It is qui, quae, quod: if you forget your 'quies,' your 'quaes,' and your 'quods,' you must be preeches. Go your ways, and play; go.
MISTRESS PAGE	He is a better scholar than I thought he was.
SIR HUGH EVANS	He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.
MISTRESS PAGE	Adieu, good Sir Hugh.
	[Exit SIR HUGH EVANS]
	Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long.
	[Exeunt]

Scene II A room in FORD'S house.

	[Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD]
FALSTAFF	Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
MISTRESS FORD	He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE	[Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
MISTRESS FORD	Step into the chamber, Sir John.
	[Exit FALSTAFF]
	[Enter MISTRESS PAGE]
MISTRESS PAGE	How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?
MISTRESS FORD	Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS PAGE	Indeed!
MISTRESS FORD	No, certainly.
	[Aside to her]
	Speak louder.
MISTRESS PAGE	Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
MISTRESS FORD	Why?
MISTRESS PAGE	Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again: he so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve's daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer out!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility and patience, to this his distemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD	Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAG

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